Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
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I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
ibopfufen
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother