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It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect