I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
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“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.