its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
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*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Yes my dude
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Just me?
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband