Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
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“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?