My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
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If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
This is my emotional support knife.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.