18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
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My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Nigella has gone too far this time.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.