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Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.