Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
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Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.