[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
You Might Also Like
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*