all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
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me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Somebody call the cops.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident