always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
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I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode