I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
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“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
This is my pinned tweet
fr
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.