My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
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women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?