One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
You Might Also Like
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
This will teach them to underestimate me
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?