Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
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girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.