The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
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Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.