Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
You Might Also Like
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Sing it!
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
In Canada they just call them geese
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no