WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
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I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate