[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
You Might Also Like
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there