making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
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[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.