[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
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I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Mmmm canned fish.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs