Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
You Might Also Like
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
“I wouldn’t.”
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga