reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
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My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.