People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
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Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”