Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
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HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.