the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
You Might Also Like
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress