Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
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Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.