Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
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Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”