Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
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me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions