ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
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I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
nobody’s gonna understand