911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
You Might Also Like
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines