An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
You Might Also Like
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
My whole life was a lie.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia