[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
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#dalle2
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
A ghost story
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.