I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
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Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees