What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
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[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”