Me :
All Day At Night
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Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
(more comics:
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.