(2022)
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“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up