Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
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im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I have never related to a cat more
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?