Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
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Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Smells like a challenge to me
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.