Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
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My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”