I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
You Might Also Like
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”