Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
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“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!