*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
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Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.