ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
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My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day