It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
You Might Also Like
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough