[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
You Might Also Like
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
me before I type out affect or effect
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments