Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
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If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!