[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
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Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
congratulations to them
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Whoa… oh I see lol
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.