Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
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this was the best i’ve ever seen
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
HERE’S MARKY
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said